Grieving for your missing dog

Our pets' lives are always too short.
Depending on its size, a dog can live an average of 10 to 17 years, a cat 16 to 18.
Losing a pet can be a painful ordeal that's hard to bear.
When we hear of the death of our companion, many of us wonder how we're going to live without him?

Whether the beloved animal who has shared our joys and sorrows is nearing the end of his life and slowly fading away, or dies suddenly from a devastating illness, poisoned or hit by a car, it's always a time of great sorrow and weeping.

In the first case, masters have been able to prepare themselves for this eventuality. They know that death is part of the cycle of life, and are well aware of their companion's short life expectancy.

On the other hand, if the death is violent and unexpected, and the animal is very young, then the loss is even more unbearable, arousing great anger and even a refusal to believe in what has just happened.

Deaths that seem premature to us are particularly upsetting, and the brutality of an accidental death offers no preparation for mourning.

- Euthanasia

When an animal is nearing the end of its life, or in the final stages of a fatal illness, suffering too much, withdrawing into itself, losing consciousness, no longer eating, owners consider euthanasia to avoid the worst agony and cut short unbearable pain.
Deciding that our companion's life must come to an end is one of the most difficult decisions to make. How can we determine the degree of the animal's suffering at which it would be unprofitable to keep it alive, if only to postpone the pain of losing it?
We'd like to say to all those who are or will one day be faced with this terrible deadline, that it's a question of perceiving as honestly as possible the moment when suffering and distress have won over the animal's pleasure in living. Loss of appetite, motor skills and interest in surroundings, massive incontinence, whining and moaning are just some of the obvious signs of this distress.
With the advice of your veterinarian, and faced with the evidence, you and your practitioner can then take the tough decision to administer an injection for a “gentle death”.
For those who are willing and able to bear it, it is advisable to courageously accompany your pet to the end. For those who can bear it, it's a good idea to accompany your pet bravely to the end, and some people take comfort from the fact that they didn't turn away, and that they were there to help their companion with dignity right up to the last moment.

- A ceremony is necessary

A final question then arises: what to do with the animal's body?

There are several possible solutions:

- leave it at the vet's.
- bury it in your own garden in the country (provided you comply with regulations: depth and quicklime)
- take a place in a pet cemetery
- opt for cremation, which allows you to bury or scatter your pet's ashes in a beloved place.

Everyone chooses according to their own sensitivity, but a ceremony such as burying or cremating the dead animal can be a great help in the grieving process.
Finding out in advance and talking about these final arrangements can make things easier when the time comes, when you're too overwhelmed by grief.

- Is it normal to be depressed after the loss of a pet? How long does it last?

The effects of grief and its chronology are not often discussed. Today's society is more inclined to prolong life, and prefers not to talk about death.
Yet mourning, which is both the state and the consequences of losing a loved one, is a normal phenomenon.
It's not crazy to grieve the loss of an animal with whom you may have spent 15 years of your life.
It's even our last expression of love for him/her, and it's best at this time to avoid people who don't understand.
On the contrary, it's comforting to be able to express your grief to family or friends who can receive it.
Those who can talk, express their emotions and cry with their loved ones are favored. It's important not to feel criticized for your grief, but to be understood and respected.
The best help for the bereaved comes from loved ones who also love animals, who are patient, indulgent and simply know how to listen without wanting to prevent the pain and tears of others.
Not everyone reacts in the same way, and some people will need more or less contact or intimacy.
Grief is characterized by depressed mood, loss of interest in the outside world, guilt, and can lead to severe depression. But beware of mistaking all these normal manifestations of grief for a pathological condition.
When you lose a beloved pet, grief is inevitable and natural. It's the absence of grief that can be abnormal, and should be spotted by loved ones. The bereaved owner may also deny the death and pretend that the animal is still there, but denial and denial of death differ from, or block, mourning.

- The different phases of mourning

The normal grieving process passes through a series of phases:
- First, shock: the person left behind, shocked and shaken to the core, seized by an overwhelming weariness, is affected even in his health, losing his appetite and sleep. Emotionally disturbed, he alternates between being agitated, crying out his grief, and anaesthetized, silent, walled-in, moaning and groaning with feelings of powerlessness, revolt, anger, abandonment, sometimes shame, often guilt.

Some owners feel guilty for not having spotted the first signs of illness and taken their dog or cat to the vet sooner; others for not having foreseen the danger their companion was in. Blaming the whole world “why did my dog die?”, others also rage against the negligence of a third party who didn't close the garden gate properly, against the driver who ran over their pet, or the dog's owner who broke his cat's spine... Some blame the vet for not having done everything in his power to save their pet.
Even those who have been able to prepare for their grief cannot escape this phase, which can be less violent but more insidious, sometimes throwing them further into torpor.

- Then comes the depressive state: as if suddenly cut off from others, it's the great solitude. The bereaved person is alone in knowing how much pain the loss of their pet represents for them. Everything is bleak, every daily gesture is laborious, anything that might entertain him is rejected, and he can't be distracted or relieved of the task of recalling shared memories with his beloved pet. No longer able to look after himself very well, he needs to be protected and consoled. It takes this time, as if running on empty... to gradually accept the reality, the revolt, the wound, the fragile state, the imbalance engendered by the loss.

Dreams come, we see the dog, the cat still alive, then it moves away, fades, disappears...

- Finally, with time, the great consoler of mourning, the pain softens, even if it reawakens more or less on anniversaries or when we come across another animal of the same breed... the one we can no longer see, smell or pet will now live inside us. His photo accompanies us, and we like to recall the good times spent in his company...we know he's gone, but he remains present in our hearts forever. We accept the past that will no longer be, and the future that will not be with the person we lost.

This journey leads to the final stage of mourning, which finally allows us to enjoy life again. These different phases are normally only temporary, and it's only if the master locks himself into one of them that he can't complete his work of mourning and sink into depression.

- Can we talk to children about death, and how?

To understand and accept death, children need to know the truth.
Depending on their age, and the nature and strength of their bond with their partner, they may be more or less troubled or affected by the loss.
Death is perceived differently at different ages:

- Fair but simple explanations will suffice for the youngest up to around 6 years of age. For little ones, “never again” doesn't yet exist, and for them it's not really a question of mourning, but of the experience of separation and loss, which must not be experienced in solitude. It's the warm, reassuring presence of parents that will help them get through the ordeal without trauma.

- Older children will ask lots of questions, but there's no need to go into details that might shock them. On the other hand, providing clear answers to frequent questions such as “Is he in pain, is he cold? Presenting the painful facts frankly, and offering to let the child see the dead animal if he or she so wishes, is not as shocking as many people think. On the contrary, it leads them to accept the irreversibility of this loss.
Like adults, they'll be helped in their mourning if they can go on to flower their pet's grave, or find out where its ashes are.
A child who loses a beloved companion suffers even more if the parents are silent about the event, and won't let the child experience the reality of the situation.
The feeling of loneliness and abandonment that could result from this, would only block him in this passage, however obligatory through suffering, which would allow him to gradually break the links with the lost animal.
Children who feel anxious about death will be reassured if you tell them that not every illness or injury leads to it.
Telling him that his cat or dog has been stolen, or that he's gone... will only lead him to develop false and distressing scenarios such as “he left because I fought with him, is he going to come back? He could feel betrayed the day he inevitably learns the truth.
Because you can never shield your children from the trials of life, there's no point in trying to protect them from the death of their beloved pet. This attempt to protect oneself prevents them from growing up and preparing for life and its inevitable losses.
So it's vital for children to be able to tell their parents about their grief, to express their emotions and to feel supported in their grief. They can do this all the better if the adults themselves don't hide their own grief, showing them that it's normal to express it.

- Don't neglect the other animals in the house

Many animals that live together form bonds of attachment. When one of them dies, the other searches for him and feels a void. It also senses the distress of its master, who is neglecting it a little.
In your grief, you mustn't forget the one who's left behind, and make every effort to devote time to him and maintain his habits. Without attention, some long-time companions become depressed, or even let themselves die in the wake of their “buddy's” disappearance.
Without this necessary natural work of mourning, no new relationship with another person can be established in a healthy way.
Rushing prematurely to take back a partner is one of those futile attempts to escape the inevitable pain of mourning, which is bound to resurface one day in unexpected circumstances.
It also means painfully exposing the “replacement animal” to comparisons that are certainly not always to its advantage in relation to the idealized dead.
The unfortunate “replacement” is likely to suffer, always the loser in this kind of unequal competition. Denied their own qualities and uniqueness, the new dog or cat, often chosen from the same breed and color, is only there to mask the loss of the previous one.
“This dog will never be able to dominate, submit, hierarchize, run away or hide, to experience a clear code of behavior with this master, because he is both called and chased, pampered and distressed. “He won't be able to take part in any coherent interaction ritual, since in his master's mind “he's been put there to ‘evoke the departed and suffer from the comparison’.” Boris Cyrulnik (L'ensorcellement du monde, ed. O. Jacob, pages 132 to 141) gives an excellent account of the tragedy of the “replacement dog”, always a victim of behavioral disorders.